2014 State of Libya: OppositeLock Review

"George Costanza" (Georgeoncars) 08/25/2014 at 22:00 • Filed to: oppo review, Libya, Jalopnik review, Oppositelock review, ten out of ten, would see again

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World war three bitches, that is what's new in the post snapchat world. And I was in the beginning of the middle of it between June 1st and August 1st. In the country I was born and raised for eight years before the a university in the prairies in Canada thought one of my parents was cool beans, and by beans I am alluding to agriculture. The staple of the boring part of Canada.

So I went out and visited it and now I will tell you the value of such an expedition and the value of being a citizen of a country that has as of today two parliaments, 3 militias, two armies, and two foreign entities claiming to represent it.

( Full disclosure : My mom wanted me to visit family and connect with my "roots", whatever the hell that means. I'll tell you what, family values are for the birds. Any ways past that topical jab I'll say that I also put off writing this post and this perspective because I missed Netflix so much while I was gone I decided to get absorbed in it. Also, I am going through somethings right now. Transfer applications for college, can't decide who to cheer for in F1, the Flames suck and have no forwards or anything, world cup fever just got to me and I was out for a week mostly because I spent to long telling people I always cheer for Germany (which is true). Also I wrote this while listening to Radiohead and R.E.M so really angry and tired )

Okay lets get started. I am Libyan. Moderately proud but I am a permanent resident in Canada. Explains my politeness, am I right? Also I was born in Tripoli and lived in Swani ben Adam. If I could explain the small town in a couple of sentences I would but I can't. I always give people couple of tips when visiting it. Actually I never get asked by anyone wanting to visit it but nonetheless. When in Swani do not make eye contact, wear anything with red, green, black, or white, litter to fit in, and quickly exit through the west side roads. I recommend getting into religion because that will be your only hope.

DO NOT EXIT THROUGH JANZOR OR ZAWIA OR AIRPORT HIGHWAY.

So next summer do this and you will still be alive by the time you leave.

This Libya of course is the post-facelift 2011 model. It is the 2014 which comes with a few changes. Infinite among of cylinders that go in all directions and don't function the proper way. They are actually finite but in the words of Douglas Adams: "It wasn't infinity in fact. Infinity itself looks flat and uninteresting. Looking up into the night sky is looking into infinity—distance is incomprehensible and therefore meaningless. [….] [Libya's cylinder/faction numbers are] just very very very big, so big that it gave the impression of infinity far better than infinity itself."

This model comes with a really cool new idea that I don't think has ever worked. Its called a "civil crisis caused by lacking monopoly of force by government". Its new but the prototype has been introduced in beautiful sand swept beaches of Somalia. But it hasn't worked there so it might work in Libya. Remember the 42 year feature of islamic socialism I do and it kept sucking itself into obscurity. Too unreliable. Okay lets get to the best part.

Exterior: 8/10

Lets say you googled sahara desert in Libya. Well the results are good. Really good. You get pictures of beautiful Roman/Greek architecture along side beaches or sand dunes. It deserves 10/10 but one point off for destroying the architecture because some claimed that Roman marble boobs gave them so many boners they decided to start a fanatical islamic groups based on James Bond villains. Another point off because its all a desert so get off your high horse Libya. Sand like everything is good in moderation.

I was close to another point off because of fake fast food chains, because everyone hates a car with fake exhausts, but they were destroyed in recent war.

Interior: 1/10

Okay this is the worst part. There was a war in the interior, the standard model doesn't come with leather and stitching and never will. Napa mocha chino leather crap won't come to Libya and sadly no options exist and never will to fix this interior.

One point because I was born there and I am the coolest guy.

Acceleration: 4/10

Is there such a thing as too fast and inconsistent. Well if there is then Libya is it. You step on the gas pedal and the infinitely arranged cylinders fight at each other in infamy. Then one disappears, two disappear, 55 disappear, twenty more reappear. How the hell is this safe.

And with no braking feature (I'll get to it later). All that stops it is when the tank runs out of bullets. So meta.

Braking: 2/10

Even though I said I would talk lots about braking I won't. But basically the braking is instantly as the engine stops accelerating. Yes, I know what your thinking: "George isn't this against the laws of physics" to which I reply "yes it is but you don't get it physics came to Libya and left after it was frightened by bearded guys with RPGs". Sensible right?

Ride: 4/10

You can't ride it long enough to experience anything, which is good because you avoid recessions, liberal vs conservative song parody ads, "culture" and CBS sitcoms (yes I went there). But you also miss the good things like safety, future, existence, knowing you won't die, the hilarious hit TV show Community now on Yahoo and living. So, really a catch 22 whatever the hell that means.

Handling: 5/10

Poor but expected. This is Jalopnik/Opposite-Lock right? Honest cares are cool right. So, this is your Miata or Volvo of Middle-East disasters. Can it be solved? No. Do you think it can be solved? No. Do you expect it to be solved? No.

Gearbox: 4/10

Really quick changes. Like remember when Ferrari claimed all their new dual clutches would change less than the blink of an eye and Jeremy Clarkson tried it. Well, Libya changes that fast. The issue is like all dual clutches its retarded stupid. Changes when it shouldn't.

"Hey Libya Nato here can you stop the militias"

"Sorry Nato I can't I am bing watching the House of Cards to learn about running this country"

"Well thats cool Libya better than arming them I guess"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY. I AM HIGH ON COCAINE, NOW THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL TO ARM MY ENEMY"

"Fuck"

Toys: 1/10

No GPS, no air condition, no seat bolstering…….

No options to choose from.

Full on beard fest in some cities and testosterone filled 16 year olds with guns. Not exactly options that work well.

But then again they also don't have electricity and people love to rave about "analog" cars so one point.

Audio: 6/10

Forget Bose this is the audio you need to hear. Really good bass, sharp treble and stuff. You can hear the sound of a bomb like its there. In your backyard. You can hear the GRAD rockets raining on your neighbours farm. With Libyan audio you get to hear bombs and then talk about them with your arranged marriage wife and her deadbeat brother, #justlibyanthings.

Value: 35/100

The 2014 Libya is a lot like the 2013 Libya. The new additions are a bigger civil war. With trends these days things always get fatter, am I right BMW fans. The 2011 model was better but in the sense it was the first like the E30 is to the F30. Everybody wants a friend with an E30 not a F30. That guy has it on lease and probably shares it with his sister and step mom.

So, there you go. The summer of George was spent there and it was not cool. It was super hot all the time.

Engine: Stupidity

Power: Illiteracy

Transmission: Hypocrisy

0-60 time : two hours in an airpot (good name for a romantic comedy)

Drivetrain: Marlboro cigarettes and Toyota Hiluxes

Curb Weight: No curbs in Libya

Seating : 6-7 million but 20 bucks they all die when a meteor hit because god gets annoyed

MPG: 200 people per week per two belligerents

MSRP: Priceless, like a Master Card commercial

PS: I am not George Costanza because he doesn't exist in THIS reality.

Edit: Not enought gifs

DrJohannVegas > George Costanza 08/25/2014 at 22:06

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I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

AM3R > George Costanza 08/25/2014 at 22:06

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Haha, I should make an Oppo review for Palestine, although I haven't been this year.

I'll wait on that idea.

Conan > George Costanza 08/25/2014 at 22:11

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My teaching mentor is Libyan. I kind of want to share this with him but I don't know if it'll just depress him more. Quite well written.

BJ > George Costanza 08/25/2014 at 23:02

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Everything I know about Libya I learned from the global media, i.e. news outlets like BBC and CBC. Apparently, everything they told me is true...

This was well written and informative. OK, there a few minor faults, but you're a Calgary Flames fan so I'll have to let it slide on account of your evidently lower IQ.

Special mentions for the following:

...one point off for destroying the architecture because some claimed that Roman marble boobs gave them so many boners they decided to start a fanatical islamic groups based on James Bond villains.

Marble boobs! Excuse me while I head to Google Image Search...

Also, this:

With Libyan audio you get to hear bombs and then talk about them with your arranged marriage wife and her deadbeat brother, #justlibyanthings.

And I'll take you up on that $20 bet - the next major meteor will hit Russia, not Libya. It's too small of a target, and really, they're only hurting themselves...

George Costanza > BJ 08/26/2014 at 01:02

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Let me guess you like some other western canadian team.

Jobjoris > George Costanza 08/26/2014 at 03:06

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Best review ever!

BJ > George Costanza 08/26/2014 at 07:51

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willkinton247 > George Costanza 08/26/2014 at 08:40

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This is amazing. Thank you.

Manuél Ferrari > George Costanza 08/27/2014 at 18:15

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This was hilarious!